Bubba loves to snuggle. Perhaps a more precise statement would be that, when sleeping, Bubba loves to have as many of his body parts touch as many of your body parts as humanly possible.
I hate to snuggle. What I actually mean is, if you’re sleeping in my bed, you better be far enough away from me that I don’t know you’re there.
Bubba usually finds his way into our bed in the unconscious hours of the night. Thankfully Jay doesn’t mind the snuggling, so he defends me. It normally goes like this:
Bubba plasters himself to me (or on top of me even).
Me: “Bubbaaaaaaa…..scoooooooot over!”
Jay: “Come here, Bub. I’ll snuggle you.”
Bubba plasters himself to Jay.
Mommy’s happy again.
We all fall back asleep.
Well, this weekend Jay has been banished to Chica’s bed because he has some funky cold that none of us can afford to catch. I have no trusty bed defender, so I had to get creative.
Guess what….my plan worked! So in case you need it some day, I present to you…
The Non-Snuggler’s Guide to Surviving the Night with a Snuggler
1. Scoot to one side of the bed and let your companion fall asleep however they’d like. It will probably mean a strangling choke-hold and an under-the-cover temperature rising well over 90, but it will be worth it. Trust me.
2. Once the offender has fallen fully asleep, it’s time for your secret maneuver. Slip carefully out of the bed, walk around the outside all stealth-like, and find the unoccupied, cold side of the bed. Enjoy it, friend.
3. You can count on the fact that your bed magnet will reorient itself and be soon attracted back to your warming side of the bed. Have no fear…the secret maneuver also works in reverse! Slip out of the bed again carefully, retrace your steps, and return to your original position. You are guaranteed at least a few minutes of cold, lonely slumber.
4. Repeat as many times as necessary.
Non-snugglers out there….you’re welcome.
One day I hope to write another expert post titled the following:
The Anti-Co-Sleeper’s Guide to Getting Your Kid to Stay the Heck in His Own Bed
I’m have a sneaky suspicion that it may go something like this…
Step 1: Wait until he’s eight.
Step 2: Enjoy.