These thoughts may be a little too jumbled and honest and raw for the whole wide world to read, but I have to write them. So here goes.
I let him steal my joy. He stole 26 lives, and as if that wasn’t enough, he took my joy right on with it.
At lunch today I could feel myself wallowing in that scary place that is joyless. I threw applesauce down on the table, as loud as I could, just for effect. I was huffing and puffing over Bubba’s new found ability to throw a tantrum, all the while throwing one great big tantrum myself. I was mad that I had to grade papers today, mad I had nothing but a turkey sandwich and beans to eat in the house, mad about my scratchy throat. But none of those things were really what I was mad about. I was mad about Friday.
But I’m done. I don’t think I’m done being mad (isn’t there such a thing as righteous anger?), but I’m done letting him have my joy. I’m claiming it back.
I will not spend every free moment of my day worrying about the safest place to hide in my classroom or how I would ever keep 23 brilliant and perceptive minds quiet and calm in a true emergency.
Instead of a spirit of fear and timidity, I claim a spirit of power, and love, and sound mind.
I will not hop from site to site combing for some new piece of information that will make sense of it all. I heard loud and clear this morning that this is not possible. There is no sense in it, and there will never be.
Instead I will focus on celebrating the birth of the one who has already overcome every senseless act that has ever been.
I will not let myself be haunted by the images that my mind creates of the horror that was so very real for such young, little people.
Instead I will replace those images with what is true and noble and right and excellent and praiseworthy.
So until I feel joyful again, I’m just going to fake it, ok? I’m going to desire it, and ask for it, and claim it. I’m going to write it, and speak it, and reread it. And I know it will come.
He will not win. I belong to the one who already won.
Savior, come and light our darkness.
Bind up the brokenhearted.
Let your healing mercies flow.
Show your power, show your power.